grabbing faces
navigating judgment in public
my babies been grabbing at faces. squeezing. watching another Child’s reaction. anything from a blood curdling scream, to a glare, a push, a boundary declared. my baby don’t care. he just needs to see…will we repair?
tbh, i get stuck taking it personally. all this grabbing. is it the inevitable influence of social conditioning? a man, a boy. or my mothering? *mama guilt* maybe i am too reactive, or don’t respond tenderly enough. i feel so vulnerable in the face of such a test—of learning to mother. so i feel myself box him into a gender, like stereotyping might ease the anxiety in my chest.
am I undoing, or reaffirming, the dominant narratives of cis-het behaviors?
as another mama said to my boy after he grabbed her child’s face, “no no no, you don’t want your friends afraid of you” and, oh man, what a jolt. something so true but short-sighted. and i felt social rejection for him.
is this what every mother faces? what does my child think, when he grabs a face?
what does a mother do, when they see him mirror smoke and fear, as he humans and learns how to be gentle. will he ever learn? or will they all leave him for mean, for untamed, for fear.
don’t we all want to grab someones face sometimes? The primal instinct to bring someone closer, grabbing their reaction, controlling another’s behavior.
i stare in wonder.
what does it mean to raise a boy into a person—not simply a man. how can we make friends, he make friends, if he knocks them down, pulls their hair, or makes them frown? what does a mother do in a culture without chances, or challenges, or discomfort.
pls, encourage your child to set boundaries. tell my boy no, as I do, but if i don’t see it you gotta do it too.
but so often we swoop in, apologizing for them, taking them away, without teaching our children to listen. creating tyrants prepped for fascism. so I stop, I say “no” and acknowledge the other child. i tell my child, “he is hurt, say sorry.” And we sign, “sorry.” and i distract him with another toy or walk away. and do it, over and over again.
now they expect me to hover. to cover his hands so he won’t…
grab.
i see him pushing boundaries. he should be gentle. he should stop grabbing.
reaching.
pushing
shoving…
but wtf are we doing to get our warrior children trained in defense and offense? how can we notice the way we internalize empires. losing sight in how to shake shit up. to mess up and still secure our boundaries. to make friends and rough house. to shove and shout into movement.
your lily fragility pisses me off, regardless.
my son’s got wild energy, and i am his village, yet it truly takes at least three of me. so somedays? step in and say, “no grabbing, gentle touch.” and leave it be.
stop judging me. tf. stop shaming our children into obedience and blaming mamas for disobedience.
anyway. will that mama still call us for another playdate where he might?
grab her child’s face?
i don’t know…
but to all the people reading this? help teach our children, “no,” teach him “gentle,” teach him “wait,” teach him “slow.” my baby can’t always hear my voice.
WE tell him, no means no more.
I love that little fellow.